Comfort and Joy

Happy New Year! I’m quite late for a New Year post, I know, and believe me, that’s actually a good thing. You see, 2016 is the year when I make good on my promise to be good to myself.

“You cannot serve from an empty vessel.” – Eleanor Brownn

Historically, I have run in the new year and then spent hours poring over journal entries and blog posts from the previous year, decade, etc. to see where I’ve come from, and what track my life is taking. This year was different – the clock struck midnight and my husband and I shared a sparkling grape juice toast with our youngest son before heading upstairs – together – and falling peacefully asleep. There was no attempt to review the past – no tears shed at past hurts, and only one resolution: to be good to myself.

2016 is the year of comfort and joy. This is the year of self care and learning to say, “no,” when necessary. I’m taking time (and making time) to do the things that bring me joy. I’m allowing myself to enjoy the things that bring me comfort.

This is the year of silly songs at the break of dawn, loose leaf tea in fancy teacups, essential oils that smell like liquid joy or comfort in a bottle, and beautiful fibers that wind themselves into scarves and blankets while my eyes watch the television.

Thanks to the efforts of my husband and children, I once again have a “sacred space,” (named the Betty Room by my hubby) where I can sit quietly to read, pray, meditate, and contemplate. I’m also getting a new bathtub with enough depth to soak – more comfort (and some joy, too).

My first bit of advice for 2016 is to make room for comfort and joy in your own life. Experiences that comfort us and that allow us to feel joyful replenish the energy that we deplete when we give. Although giving to others without expectation of receiving anything in return brings its own rewards, when people take from us without giving, over and over, it can take a spiritual and physical toll. Seek out joy. Seek out comfort. Make your own happiness, and then share from that vessel that is no longer empty.

“Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.” – Psalm 23:5

We can pray for comfort and joy, or we can seek it out. I had a difficult Monday with a difficult adversary in a difficult proceeding at work. It was bitterly cold, and when I stopped my car for gasoline, I opened my back door to retrieve a hat. When I went to shut the door, it would not latch. Believing it to be frozen, I took it to a local auto repair place hoping they could quickly thaw it so that I could be on my way to a court proceeding. It turned out to be a broken latch, not a frozen one, and replacement parts had to be ordered. There was no way to fasten the door shut (except, possibly the rope and duct tape that my cousin suggested) for the 45 mile drive, so I had to beg for mercy from the party with all of the power in that situation. The tone for the tense email exchange that followed was probably largely imaginary. The tone of the voice in my head as I read the email response was set by the morning I had already had.

I wouldn’t go nearly so far as call that person an enemy, but it nevertheless the terse nature of the exchange (real or imagined) created a drain on my joy. I set my little table with one of my favorite teacups as I brewed a fragrant pot of tea. I rubbed a few drops of my favorite essential oil blends on my temples, and I allowed the aromas from the tea and the oil to surround me with beauty, comfort and joy. That’s probably not what the Psalmist had in mind, but soon I was singing again.

My husband said, “boy, you’re in a good mood!” I explained my quest for comfort and joy. Sometimes you have to “fake it until you make it.” When you’re faking joy, though, it quickly becomes real as it infects others with smiles (or even laughs).

I’ve had a tough week so far, but my cup runneth over. Being good to myself is my only resolution for 2016. Actively seeking comfort and joy is the first step toward achieving success.

Happy 2016.

~Be~

Winning in Last Place

Posted by BecomingBetty

I’m registered for the Run Disney Princess Half Marathon in February 2016. I went last year and didn’t get to finish (Read more here: https://justwritewhatyouknow.com/2015/02/27/the-bus-of-shame-or-the-saddest-ride-at-walt-disney-world/).

I’ve been training for the event, and my pace has increased. Although the minimum pace is a slow 16 minutes/mile, that’s been a real challenge for me. Recently, I completed training runs at 15 – 16 minutes/mile. I did a 10K in September with a slow 17 min/mile pace, but that was mostly in the dark.

Submitting a proof of time of finishing a race of at least 10K with an “acceptable” time helps one to get placed in a corral nearer the front of the pack at the Princess. The goal is 3 hrs 15 min or less for a good corral. Proof of time must be submitted by November 17, so I didn’t have much time. I chose a race in Michigan based on the fact that it is near one of my “invisible” (not imaginary) online friends, and she invited me to stay with her.

As the weekend approached, I began to dread the race. I hadn’t gotten in as much training as I hoped. It’s a long (2.5 hours) drive each way. I’m swamped at work, have been busy most weekends and evenings…and about a dozen other excuses. Add that all to the fact that I was staying in someone else’s home, and my social anxiety kicked in. I almost chickened out. I made up my mind to honor my commitments, and I packed my bag Saturday morning, stopped at a local shop for a hostess gift

As I hit travelled west to Toledo and turned north to make my way into that state where “a rose never grows” (Once a Buckeye…) it began to rain just a little. The sun was shining, but tiny droplets were hitting my windshield. As I looked toward the east I saw a beautiful, vivid rainbow. A rainbow is a promise. The rain soon stopped. I drove farther and the showers began anew, with a brand new rainbow.

I was treated to three rainbows along the way. I took them as a sign that I was going to have a fabulous weekend.

I arrived at my friend’s home and met her new puppy. She nearly peed on my foot (the puppy, not my friend), which was a sure sign we were going to be best friends. I had fun chatting with the grandkids and showing them videos of my own silly dog. My friend and I ducked out for dinner, then came back, got into pajamas and stayed up late talking. what a special lady she is.

I went to sleep in her very comfortable guest bed and woke in time to have a cup of coffee and some fruit to fuel up before my race. My friend had planned to drive me to the race site and cheer me on, but when I realized it was going to be near freezing and that one of the grandchildren had an ear infection, I told her to stay home and I’d be back. I dressed in my favorite yellow long-sleeved tech shirt with my hippie runner headband that says “I’m so far behind I think I’m in first place.” I topped off the ensemble with my kaleidoscope tights, my favorite running skirt and bright orange shoes. My friend’s son asked me if this was a “color run.” I explained that this was the “Big Bird Run,” and by golly, I was doing my best to look the part.

I made it to the race site with plenty of time to spare. I found a parking spot right in front of the building. Things were definitely going my way. I felt great. I felt fast. This was MY day. I picked up my packet, looked at the race shirt, and grabbed the information sheet to read more details about the 10K. It said, “timing will stop at the 80 minute mark.” My heart sunk. I knew I would probably come in about 95 – 100 minutes. My last race had been 105 minutes. The one before that 115.

Although the sun shone brightly, I felt as if a dark cloud covered the sky. I felt inadequate. I pinned my race bib on, and contemplated what I should do. I thought about trading the 10K bib for a 4K bib and just having a “fun run.” A 10K is a lot of work for me. I decided to try the 10K and just have fun – I would run it as a “fun run” and bring some sunshine to the back of the pack.

At the last race that I ran, although I was slow, I was not last. There were quite a few runners who were even slower than I am. As I have improved, I have stopped worrying about finishing last.

I looked around the parking lot. These were serious runners. Although it was less than 40 degrees out, there were guys in short shorts foam rolling on the freezing concrete. I was the only “fat girl” (or guy) running the race. My confidence started leaking out.

I gave myself a pep talk. I looked at the sky and thanked God for a beautiful day to run. I gave thanks that I was in no pain. I sang happy songs to myself. I cheered as the 1 mile and 4K races started, but I really wanted to cry.

The blue sheet that told me they would stop timing before I finished had asked slower runners to start int he back, so I made my way to the very end of the pack. The starting gun cracked, and I watched EVERYONE move away from me. It was like I was moving in slow motion.

I hadn’t gone a full block when the police car pulled behind me with its lights going. It was going to be a long 6.2 miles. This was an extraordinarily well staffed and marked race course. There were multiple police officers or volunteers at every single intersection. I decided to thank every single one as I went by. Each one I thanked said, “No, thank YOU, and you’re doing GREAT!” I didn’t believe them, but I appreciated the encouragement.

My police escort would slow down then catch up with me again. I passed the 1 mile marker and volunteers with stop watches were giving out splits. I could barely believe them when they said, “13:49.” That was my fastest mile ever. I was still in the very back, but I had the boost I needed. My running watch was set to chirp every 45 seconds. I would run as hard as I could until I tired and then cut back to a jog until the next chirp.

At mile 2 I was just under 30 minutes. At mile 3 I realized I would break my personal record for a 5K. By mile 4 I was tiring, but I caught up with the two women I had been following. We would trade off places for the next mile. At mile 5 the timekeepers asked if I knew if I was the last one, and when I answered “yes,” a young lady asked if she could run the last mile with me. “I’ve never run a mile before,” she said.

Together we ran that last mile. I was tired, but she kept telling me I could do it. I told her I hadn’t voluntarily quit a race yet, and I wasn’t about to start. As we ran, I told her that I had lost over 100 pounds since I began running in March 2014. “Look at you now,” she said.

We rounded a corner together with the finish just ahead. The timing clock was still going. I came in at just 91 minutes – by far my personal best. I asked the time keeper if they were still submitting times although 80 minutes was past, and he said “yes.” I thought “I’m going to Disney World,” and I recovered a tiny bit of spring to my step.

I collected my free banana and my bottle of water. I thought back to the rainbows that decorated my journey the night before. Everything about the race conditions Sunday was perfect for me. I love to run in the cold. The pavement was dry and mostly flat (except for the highway overpass). I had my own police escort – I alternated between joking with volunteers about being chased by the police and telling them that I was a very important dignitary who needed personal protection.

I finished dead last, but I finished. Finishing wasn’t the difficult part – starting was the real problem. Once I convinced myself that a time was just a number and decided to have fun and show thanks to all of the people who volunteered to stand in the cold on a Sunday morning, I had a wonderful time. I won. I felt honored to finish in last place.

The good people of Roseville, Michigan made me feel like a winner. Nobody made me feel like I was inconveniencing him by being slow. The elite runners didn’t look at me as if I was somewhere I did not belong. I was a runner. I was part of a community, and I was doing something I could not do for many years.

We runners have a saying: “Dead Last Finish > Did Not Finish > Did not Start.” I won in last place. I won big.

I returned to my friends’ house for a shower and a hot bowl of chili. We visited some more and said our goodbyes and I began the long drive back home. What had started as a day full of anxiety and self-doubt became one of my proudest moments. Later I would review my Facebook feed and be reminded that five years ago that day, I had been sworn in as a lawyer, another achievement I never believed was within my ability.

I gained a real sense of accomplishment this weekend. I submitted my proof of time. RunDisney says I will finish the half marathon in 3 hours and 22 minutes. I know I can do better than that. Those balloon ladies aren’t catching me this year, but if they do, I’ll smile and thank them for volunteering their time on a cold, dark morning.

How Do You Love Me? (Sorry, Elizabeth)

Posted by BecomingBetty

(With all apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 – 1861

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

I had this conversation with a good friend the other day. We both have spouses whose “love languages” differ from our own. It’s so very easy to get caught up in mentally listing all of the ways that we show love to our significant others. On a regular basis, I show love by saying it (words of affirmation), and by reaching out to rub a back or hold a hand (loving touch). I cook dinner on a regular basis (acts of service), and I buy little remembrances (gifts). Over time, my primary love language has shifted from “gifts” to “words” or “touch.” (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, pick up a copy of Dr. Gary Chapman’s wonderful book, “The Five Love Languages.” In a nutshell, we each have ways that we tend to express love. We feel most loved when we receive love in our own “language.”

When a couple speaks different “love languages,” it’s easy for one or the other to feel taken for granted. That’s where I think we get into trouble sometimes. Instead of recognizing the things our partner does for us, we keep a list of the things that we do that “go unappreciated.” Or worse, we keep a mental list of what we’ve done for others expecting them to reciprocate in kind, and we miss it when they express love in their own way.

My husband is an “acts of service” guy through and through. He does the laundry and cleans up the kitchen. He mows the lawn, builds things, paints rooms, and makes coffee. There is literally nothing that I have ever asked him to do for me that he has flatly refused to do for me. He does these things because they need to be done, but HE does them because he loves me and because they free up my time to do other things (like help run the family business, or write in my blogs).

My husband is not big on gifts, which caused a big problem early in our marriage. I felt unloved when I didn’t get my birthday, anniversary or valentine’s gift – especially because I invariably would buy one for him. what was even worse was that instead of getting excited about the gift, he acted like he could have not cared less (which truth be told, was often true!) It wasn’t until I read The Five Love Languages that I realized why he didn’t “care enough” to buy me gifts and why it hurt me so when he didn’t. We learned to adapt. I either buy my own gift or give him a list to choose from.

How does he love me? This weekend he hung an antique mirror for me. He installed shelving in the pantry. He helped me clean the house on Friday evening. On Saturday, he went for groceries with me. On Sunday, he worked very hard putting things away for winter and cleaning while I had fun doing some recreational shopping. He also told me that he loves me. He wrapped his arms around me while I slept. He made the coffee. The list goes on and on.

Here in Ohioland it was Sweetest Day on Saturday (for those of you in other parts of the country, that’s like a bonus Valentine’s Day- it’s a flowers and candy and fancy dinner kind of holiday). We talked about the fact that Saturday was Sweetest Day on Wednesday or Thursday. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Saturday is Sweetest Day – I know you think it’s a Hallmark holiday, right?

Him: Yes. I do. I will buy you something if you want me to.

Me: That’s okay – I’ll find something for myself. Is that okay?

Him: That’s perfect.

My sweetest day gift consisted of chocolate and a wonderful bar of sweet smelling french-milled soap – my favorite indulgences.

Once in a while, he surprises me and picks out a gift for me, and when he does, he knocks one out of the park. The gifts are perfect every time. In the meantime, I will count the ways he shows me he loves me, and forget about keeping score.

A lamp for my feet – a light on my path

Posted by BecomingBetty

I just came home from vacation this week. It was a wonderful week of activity, people watching, and enjoying nature. I’ve been running for about a year and a half now. I run mostly in Ohio, and mostly in an area that is very flat. We have a few hills, but you really need to go out of your way to get to most of them. As a result, my runs have very little elevation change. I also tend to run in the early evening, while it’s still quite light out (and the bugs aren’t too bad). Although summer just ended, as summers go it wasn’t terribly hot in Ohio. All in all, it’s been a mild, pleasant summer for a novice runner.

As we were planning our vacation, I scouted for running events that would fit our timeline. I discovered the Twilight Lake Las Vegas run and signed up for the 10K distance (they had 5k, 10k and half marathon available).

I took a very bad fall a few years back that left me with a leg broken in 4 places with a full complement of hardware installed to keep my skeleton together. Although my balance has improved significantly since I began running and doing #DDPYoga, it still isn’t one of the strengths.

The day of the race, we started walking from our hotel of the Vegas Strip to the Avis office a mile or so away. I stepped off a curb and landed on my knees and elbows. While I wasn’t badly injured, it hurt. My knees and hands were scuffed up, and I had fallen on the knees that has the worst arthritis of the pair. We kept going and picked up the rental car. We left Las Vegas and drove to Hoover Dam where our hotel was located. We did some sightseeing and checked into our room. It was 108 degrees. I’ve heard it said that “dry heat” is cooler than the humid heat we have in Ohio, but no matter how you look at it, 108 degrees is HOT.

I spent the time leading up to the race hydrating and fueling. My training plan fell apart in the weeks leading up to the race, and although I wasn’t concerned about being able to cover the distance, I knew I wasn’t going to be fast. I grabbed a cooling towel and we headed to packet pickup. We drove through the Lake Mead area and enjoyed the views, stopping at multiple scenic overlooks. The red rocks and landscape seemed so alien compared to the lush Lake Erie landscape that I’m so accustomed to.

My husband dropped me off at the start line and drove back to enjoy Lake Mead some more. The half marathon runners lined up first. Their race began at 6:30 p.m. I listened to the directions – make sure you have a flashlight or a head lamp. The course is unlit. I checked the lights in my trusty ball cap with “head lights.” They functioned. I decided I was good to go.

The half marathoners were off, and the 10K runners lined up. The run was just starting to dim. It was still quite hot, but not as hot as it had been moments before. I tested the injured knee – no bad pain. I re-tied my shoes and took a last chug out of my water bottle before recycling it. The horn sounded and we began.

The course was paved and pretty wide. As it wound through the desert landscape, I saw succulent plants. I wondered if there were snakes, scorpions, or other critters out there. I’m a “back of the pack” runner, and this race was no exception. As I neared the 1.5 mile mark, some of the fastest 5K participants passed me. Soon, I was all alone. The 5K runners had turned around, and most of the 10K runners were ahead of me.

I watched the sun set, and I turned on my “high beams.” I was dismayed. Although that hat was great for letting people know that I’m out there on the road, it really wasn’t a great light source. I ran off the edge of the path once and resolved to stay closer to the middle to avoid matching hardware in the other ankle. As the course progressed, my eyes became accustomed to the dark. Although I couldn’t see well, I could at least see the path.

A volunteer told me to turn left “Everyone goes up the hill.” Wow. What a hill. I wasn’t prepared for this. I made it up the hill, huffing and puffing. I went back down the other side and soon found myself running near a freeway. The oncoming headlights, while a safe distance away, destroyed my night vision, and I was soon stumbling along the edge of the path again.

My cooling towel began to dry out. I got hot. Then, I heard something I couldn’t identify and I got scared. I began to question the wisdom of signing up for this hilly race in the desert with no lights. I began to question my ability to run the distance. What if there were a rattlesnake on the path enjoying the warmth? I wouldn’t be able to see it. What if I fell and nobody found me?

An aid station was in the distance. I stopped for water and a volunteer asked if I would like my cooling towel re-soaked. Gratefully, I said “yes.” I finished the water. I wrapped the cold towel around my neck, and I took a few deep breaths.

As I began to run again, I felt a sense of calm. As my overheated body began to cool down, the words of a praise chorus I used to sing while playing the piano came to mind.

Although the sky didn’t get brighter (and neither did the lights on my cap), I felt a sense of calm wash over me as I sang the words quietly. I looked out at the horizon and saw the lights of Las Vegas. As the trail turned away from the freeway again, the quiet desert greeted me again. The course turned downhill. The going was easier. There was a lightness in my step.

As I passed the 5K turnaround again, I saw a woman who was laboring heavily to get to that mark. She had a wonderful team of supporters there to encourage her. I remembered my first tentative running steps at over 300 pounds. I remembered the difficulty and the fear. I tried my best to encourage her as I passed her on my way back to the finish. Soon thereafter I encountered another struggling runner with a walker. She, too, was accompanied by friends. Although I was running unaccompanied, I wasn’t alone. There in the dark, all I had to do was cry out for comfort. My “support team” was there, guiding my steps.

I crossed the finish and collected my medal. I grabbed some snacks and a cool water while I waited for my husband to collect me. I don’t know if I’ll do another night time run, but if I do, I’ll have a brighter headlamp, and I’ll remember that although I may be the only runner in sight, I am never truly alone.

All The Colors of the Rainbow (An Unbiblical Marriage)

Posted by BecomingBetty

My husband and I have been married for 15 1/2 years. We have a child together. We disagree sometimes. We make up again. We have been through some real trials and tribulations, but we have weathered the course and I can say with all sincerity that I think our love and our commitment to each other is stronger than ever.

With the marriage equality issue squarely in the limelight right now, I have devoted a lot of thought to the issue of marriage.

I’ve been delving into the scriptures, and I realized that I have the privilege of being married to my wonderful husband only because the State does not put Biblical constraint on heterosexual marriages. You see, I have been married before. I was married at age 19 and divorced some 8 plus years later. Both my first husband and I have moved on. We are each married to new partners. If, however, the State had taken the position that is consistent with the scripture, I could not have remarried.

In 1 Corinthians 10-11, Paul stated, “10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.”

My husband and I eloped. The only “guests” at our wedding were the other people waiting at the little chapel for their turn to state their vows. We did not have to seek approval of clergy. We did not go through pastoral counseling (not that it would have been a bad idea), we just paid our money, said our vows and signed on the dotted line.

I have close friends in the gay and lesbian community. I attend services at a church that has taken an “all are welcome” stance on the issue. They have welcomed my divorced and remarried self with open arms. Their love has shown me what I have been missing in my life as I worshiped in solitary.

I have witnessed first hand in both my personal and professional lives the havoc that can result when a gay person marries a straight person who is unaware of their sexuality. Although those marriages are Biblical, they can leave broken hearts in their trail, and frequently do.

As a sinner, I leave the judgment to God. I have never attended a gay wedding, but I will if invited. Perhaps gay marriage is not sanctioned by the Bible. Neither is remarriage after divorce. Perhaps there are florists and bakers who would have refused to cater my wedding reception if I had planned one. They’re not making the news, though. I respect the right churches to refuse the rites of marriage to those couples whose unions are inconsistent with that church’s teachings. I expect we will see more on that issue soon.

I thank God for my husband. I thank my family, who may or may not have agreed with my decision to remarry, for accepting us and encouraging us. I realize that on this issue, we may not agree. I learn from them, and I am thankful for every opportunity for me to consider my stance on issues where law and faith intersect. They have always been respectful when disagreeing with me, and I am confident that will continue on this issue. I love them, and I know that they will continue to love me, just as they have in the past when we have disagreed.

I quietly celebrated yesterday. I have many men and women in the LGBTQ community who I am honored to call “friend.” They welcomed me with open arms into their circles. They did not care that I was once divorced, an unwed mother, or a morbidly obese person. They simply called me “friend.”

Just as they do not refer to me as their “obese, divorced and remarried heterosexual friend Betty,” I do not think of any one of them as “My gay friend Max,” or “My lesbian friend Sally” – they are simply my friends. I love them. I will celebrate with them.

I am an Ally. I am a welcoming Christian. I have chosen not to discriminate in my business or in my friendship. I cannot personally use the scripture to deny the right to marry to anyone whose union doesn’t comport. I gave up that right when I chose my own path.

Count your Blessings

Posted by BecomingBetty

Prayer and meditation are important to me. I’ll admit, though, that I am easily distracted. I start praying and the dog barks or the neighbors’ kids laugh, and I’m instantly thinking about something else. I’m one of those people who need tools to focus.

I began a new routine today, one that I hope to stick to. I began by writing in my journal – the one saved for positive thoughts and positive memories. This act of recognizing peace, beauty and blessings in my life helped to get me into the proper mindset for part two, which was literally counting my blessings.

Some time ago I purchased a Mala, which is traditionally a Hindu or Buddhist tool for meditation. I purchased it for its beauty, and it resides in my special space. Today I picked up that Mala and tried it as a tool to focus for my prayer practice. Holding the tassel, I began my prayer by thanking God for the many blessings in my life, including my family and my improved health. I asked God to bless the people in my life and asked that as I said each name, that He would bless that person with joy, hope, peace and health, and to bring into their life anything that they needed.

There are 108 smaller beads on the mala. As the string of beads slipped through my fingers one at a time, the names of 108 people in my life came to me, one after another. 108 blessings. I know about the struggles in some of their lives, and as those names came to me, I prayed for those situations. Others I simply prayed that their lives would be filled with the blessings that they bring into my life.

I had no mental “prayer list.” The names and faces came into my mind one after another. I was somewhat surprised by some of the names that came to mind. Some were people who had hurt me, and along with praying for blessings for them, I prayed for help to forgive long-ago hurts.

108 people, 108 prayers, 108 blessings. As I closed my prayer, I thanked God for such a rich life. I thought it would be hard to come up with 108 people to pray for, but as I write this, the names and faces keep coming.

My life is blessed – truly blessed.