Looking Backward (and Finding Motivation)

Looking backward in life can be dangerous.  It can lead to revisiting past hurts and disappointments, it can lead to sadness over lost opportunities.  It can be a very negative experience.  However, looking backward can also be a tool for measuring success.

I’ve spent 2014 making some very large changes in my life.  This is the year that I finally grabbed the tiger by the tail and got serious about making my health a priority.  With at least 167 pounds to lose, getting healthy is no small proposition.  I’d spent many years as an obese or morbidly obese individual.  I have health conditions that make it more difficult to lose weight.  I’d convinced myself that because I wasn’t yet diabetic and my blood pressure was only marginally high, I was “healthy fat.”

I’ve lost (and regained) over 100 pounds twice before in my life.  Looking back, I’m convinced that things really are going to be different this time, and the key is that I have a completely different mindset.  This time, rather than viewing the changes I must make as temporary measures necessary to effect a change, I am changing my lifestyle for good.

I’ve lost 70 pounds through a combination of diet and exercise.  I don’t follow a prescribed diet.  I have completely eliminated certain foods because they actually make me ill, and not because a book says I have to eliminate them to lose weight.  I have incorporated regular exercise, I log every mouthful of food, and I weigh myself 1-2 times per month.

Getting to this milestone has taken seven months.  Historically, this is the time in the process where I have started backsliding – and ultimately failing in my efforts to get healthy.

I will admit that I came close to throwing in the towel after an injury set me back.  I went a week with little exercise.  Instead of finding an alternative, I found excuses.  Fortunately, a post came across my Facebook feed that reminded me that the key to success is often looking at the progress you have made instead of the distance left to travel.

I am a firm believer that life should be lived looking forward instead of back, but I now realize that there are times for reflection.  As a result, I did an exercise that I should have done at the outset of this journey: I made a list of all of the things that my prior weight prevented.  I wanted to be able to:

  • Get off the floor without help
  • Ride a roller coaster
  • Fasten the seat belt in my husband’s old corvette without help
  • Cross my legs
  • Climb the stairs without being out of breath
  • Put on a pair of pantyhose without a struggle
  • Sit in a restaurant booth without a struggle
  • Fit into an airplane seat and not have to worry about “overlap” or a seatbelt extension
  • Sit in a seat in the auditorium at my kids’ school without having to hold my breath

Now, even though I am only 42% to my “goal weight,” I have managed to accomplish every single one of those things.  Additionally, I have run a 5k race and a 10k race. I have lost 4 jeans sizes.  I am off my blood pressure medicine.  I am mostly pain free. I have achieved things I did not think were possible for me.

Today, I’m crafting a new “bucket list” for the second half of this journey.  Before I am finished, I will:

  • Ride the roller coaster I couldn’t fit on this summer (the one with the smaller seat belts)
  • Run a half marathon (I’m already registered)
  • Do a push up
  • Do a pull up
  • Shop in a store that doesn’t specialize in “plus sizes”
  • Go on a challenging hike

The number on the scale has ceased to be my primary motivation.  If it was the only thing motivating me, I would have given up when it spent a month parked at the same spot.  I now realize it is only one way of marking progress.  When I look at the monumental task of losing 167 pounds, it is far too easy to discount the progress I have made.  Seventy pounds is a lot of weight, but when you view it next to 167, it doesn’t seem like I’ve made much progress.

When I look back, though, at the pictures I took at my top weight, and when I try on the once-tight pants that now fall off and pool around my ankles, it puts things into a different perspective.  When I cross my legs, fasten my seat belt and sit on any chair without worrying about whether it will hold me, I see how my life has changed.

I would encourage anyone who is embarking on a weight loss or fitness journey to make her own bucket list.  Take pictures and measurements, too.  There will be times when the scale isn’t budging, or you are tired and sore and hungry and you need to remind yourself where you were and how far you’ve come.

I started my journey without a road map.  I managed to pass a few landmarks that I would have celebrated had I known where I was headed.

Serendipity – God’s appointments

I wanted to write this post yesterday, but I was having a “first world problem.”  I am writing this on a brand new (to me) computer that my oldest son configured for me right before he left the house without giving me the password.  He knows most of my “usual” passwords, and I thought I had tried them all.  I texted him, and I called him, and after no answer, I gave up and I enjoyed my evening.  This morning when he told me the actual password, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t tried it.  It was so obvious (knowing me).

I dubbed yesterday “self-care Saturday.”  The planned activities centered around taking care of myself. I planned time in my “zen den” drinking a pot of tea (check).  I planned coffee time with my dear husband (check). I planned a workout at the gym (check), I planned a haircut (nope) and the big daddy… I planned a 5-mile run.

It was far too beautiful to run indoors on the treadmill.  The high school stadium was in use all day and all evening, so that was out of the question.  I decided to run through the beautiful neighborhoods in my quaint home town.  Although I have lived here for 15 years, there is so much that I haven’t seen because I am a creature of habit.

I ran to my office where my husband was mowing the lawn and re-hydrated.  I ran through all of the roads in the Lagoons, and ran along the beach where my shoes promptly filled with sand.  I found a conveniently-located bench and removed my shoes to shake out the sand, sat to enjoy the view, and decided to run a neighborhood I had never explored.  I didn’t mean to spend 1.5 miles there, but I did, and after another run across the sand (and another stop at another bench to shake out the sand and enjoy the waves), I headed back for my office for more water (and a bag of jelly belly sport beans) and headed toward home.

Knowing I was later than I was expected home already, I called my husband and let him know where I was and what route I was taking home.  I’m not sure why I did that, because I usually like to plan my route on the fly depending on how I am feeling.  On my way back, I briefly thought about taking Exchange Street instead of Douglas Street like I had planned.  I kept running past Exchange, and as I turned South onto Decatur, a car pulled up to the stop sign, and the driver called out, “Excuse me, is your name Betty?”

I turned and answered “yes,” and proceeded to have a conversation with the driver, who knew me from this blog.  She’s a darling woman who has touched so many lives herself, and I was blessed with the opportunity to meet her face to face because I explored a new neighborhood, added 1.5 miles to my route, and followed the route I told my husband I would follow home.  Now that we have met, I hope to hear more of her story.

I was walking (jogging) on a cloud the next leg of the journey.  As I passed by the high school, I was flagged down by another person (this one on foot).  She said, “I have seen you all over town today, and I just have to meet you.”  She was looking for the 6th grade football game (it turns out she was in the wrong place for it).  We had a wonderful conversation for 5-10 minutes.  She told me about some of the obstacles she has had to overcome and I shared some of my story.  When we parted ways, I felt that I had made yet another new friend.

I reached home and my husband was hard at work cutting up a huge tree limb (actually bigger than many trees) that fell down a short while back.  I decided to blog about my experience, but it was not to be, so I spent some more time in my “fortress of peace,” my “zen den,” and fell asleep with a smile on my face.

I awoke to the sound of a high school marching band (the Festival of Bands was starting just a block away), and went out to tell dear husband that he didn’t have to cut the whole tree up in one day.  I persuaded him to join me in the hot tub to listen to the bands, and I told him about the wonderful day that I had, the chance meetings, the new friends, and the experience of serendipity that made it all so special.  If I had to define serendipity, I would deem it “a happy coincidence.”  When my life is moving in the right direction, though, it seems these happy coincidences happen with such frequency that they don’t seem coincidental at all.  I often end up learning valuable lessons from the people I meet when serendipity takes over.

In order for these meetings to happen, I had to deviate from my planned 5 mile run and run 7 miles.  I had to get sand in my shoes (twice) and take time to enjoy the beautiful beach (twice).  I had to run the direction that I had told my husband I would run instead of turning a block earlier like I decided I wanted to.

As I concluded the paragraph above, I received a beautiful message on Facebook from the woman I met on Douglas Street.  It seems that she would not normally have been there at that time, either.  She, too,  remarked on the serendipity of the moment.  She shared that a friend of hers calls these moments “God’s appointments.”  I think she is right. We were destined to meet, and I look forward to getting to know her.   Had I known the password to this machine and blogged this yesterday when I intended to, I would have done so without the benefit of knowing how truly serendipitous my meeting was yesterday.

This blog started out as a way to “just write what [I] know” because I truly enjoy writing.  The fact that even one other person has found it a blessing makes me truly grateful for the ability to write.  I’m off, now, to a local festival where I hope I will have the opportunity to listen when I am led, and to keep more of God’s appointments.  Serendipity is the word for today.

photo (5)

It’s a journey, not a destination

I’ve been neglecting this blog for a while.  I’ve had a few “when life hands you lemons” moments, and seemed to have lost my recipe for lemonade at the time when I needed it most.  Yesterday one of those moments happened, and I was reminded that although we have no control over many of the things that happen to us, how we react to them is 100% within our control.  I’m sad to say that I didn’t react to some of those things the way that I wish I would have, but I learned a powerful lesson.

Whatever the goal, be it fitness, happiness, or health – it is a journey, not a destination.  If you think that you can achieve any of those without continuing to work at it, you’ve lost the battle.

Those of you who know me in real life know that weight has been a lifelong struggle.  I’ve gained and lost hundreds of pounds over the last 30 years.  Each time, I looked at the weight loss as a project, thinking that once I reached my destination I would be free and happy and the problems that got me to an unhealthy weight would miraculously be cured and I wouldn’t have to struggle.

This past March, I reached a crisis point in my life.  Some of the stressors were within my control, but many were not.  My health was bad.  My mood was depressed.  My life seemed to be spinning madly out of control.  I was not fit, healthy or happy.  In desperation, I turned to diet and exercise because those were two things that I could control.  By taking control of what I could control, I was able to better deal with the aspects of my life that were beyond my control.  I had an outlet for that stress and negativity.  This time, instead of dieting, I am focusing on remaking my life.  I know that to be happy and healthy, I must fuel my body with healthy foods and get plenty of exercise.  This isn’t a “fix,” it is a journey that will never end.   If it ends, the trip is back to an unhappy, unhealthy place.

I have spent part of this journey sharing my story with others through Facebook and on this blog.  Sharing keeps me accountable, but I hope that it also shows others that depression, obesity, arthritis, auto-immune disease and a host of other problems are not insurmountable.  My journey began when someone else shared their journey and I was inspired to make a change.

On the days when I put in the work (eating clean, exercising, practicing thankfulness and being kind), I enjoy happiness.  I enjoy the benefits of increased health and stamina.  On the days when I slip back into my old habits and cure hurt feelings with potato chips and lash out at the person who I perceive hurt me, I wallow in pain. The emotional pain becomes physical pain as my body becomes inflamed and my joints hurt, which makes me put off exercise, and throws my whole system into a mess.

I cannot claim that happiness is merely a choice for everyone.  Some people are suffering so much that telling them to “choose to be happy,” minimizes their pain.  I do not want to do that.  For me, though, happiness began with a choice, and it depends on me making the right choice every time I am confronted by something that makes me want to crawl back into the hole that I created for myself.

Fitness is a journey (one that I’m enjoying more and more as I progress).  Happiness is a journey (one that is becoming easier day by day).  Some days the journey seems solitary.  Other days I am surrounded by people who inspire my every step.  I am not content to just keep doing what I am doing.  I want to be fitter, happier and healthier than I am today.  I am doing this for myself, but if I can inspire others by sharing what I learn that is a bonus.

I am learning to reach out and reconnect with others.  The journey does not have to be solitary (and it’s much more fun when there are companions!

We all need goals, but they are mere milestones on our journey.  When we reach one, there must be another to look for or we will lose our way.  The journey never ends.  Thank you for joining me on this step of the way.

You’re the inspiration

I began my fitness journey on March 9, 2014.  I’ve done the “diet thing” many times before.  As a 47 year old adult female who has been overweight for most of her life, I have mastered the art of the excuse.  I can justify nearly any unhealthy food or activity.  I can procrastinate with the best of them, and the person it has harmed the most is me.

This time, it is different.  My husband says he, too, can sense that this time, it is different.  This time, it is about changing my life, and not just about doing what I need to do to make the numbers on the scale come down.

The difference, this time, is inspiration.  With Robin Williams’ tragic death in the media this week, I will share that depression played a major role in this change.  I was struggling with some issues that had me feeling awfully bleak.  I was still struggling with my father’s death in early 2013.  I was struggling with feelings of inadequacy as a partner, a mother, and a lawyer.  I looked in the mirror and struggled with the signs of age and bad health.  I was tired of the struggle.  I was so unhappy that I lost sight of the many things that make my life so beautiful.

A series of coincidences, or perhaps providence, led me to step on the treadmill instead of eating a package of gluten free cookies or a chocolate bar. I have a group of people in my life who I refer to as my “invisible friends.”  Some are ladies I met on or through an online “mom” forum I was active in for many years.  Others are people who I met through DDP Yoga forums, or other lawyers I reached out to on Facebook.  These people have played an important role in my journey.

When I posted in a “secret group” on Facebook that I was feeling very depressed, a mom suggested I join “Moms Run This Town.”  I poo-poo’ed the idea.  I never envisioned myself a runner.  Soon, another invisible friend suggested we train online together for a 5k.  Running took over my facebook feed as friends, both in real life and my “invisible” network, began sharing running posts.

One night, hurt, angry and sad, I brushed off  the thick layer of dust that had settled on the treadmill, and I took that first step.  I came back the next night, and the next.  As is typically the case, life began to get in the way.  One night as I was browsing Facebook instead of getting some exercise, I saw a conversation between two “invisible friends.”  One asked the other how to ensure success at getting in shape.  His response was a photo that said, “Commit.”

I found my inspiration in that graphic.  I think of it daily.  To succeed at something – anything, you must commit to succeeding.  I found inspiration in the “cheers” that my running app sent my way when my friends “liked” my status that said I was on a run.  Each cheer inspired me to take another step – to go another 1/10th mile.

I wasn’t sure how my friends would react.  I worried that I would annoy them with my fitness posts.  I kept posting anyway.

Soon, I began receiving messages.  “I wanted you to know that you inspired me to get back to the gym.”  “You inspired me to get moving.”  “Thank you for sharing your journey.  I wanted you to know that I joined a gym.”

I thanked each of them for reaching out, but on the inside, I was saying, “I’m not an inspiration.  I’m a morbidly obese person whose bad decisions led to this state.”  “I’m not worthy of being your inspiration.”

I started to craft a response that said I’m not someone to emulate- that I have too many weaknesses, I’m too flawed…”  At that moment, I realized that inspiration is a very individual, personal experience.  What right do I have to say that I’m not an inspiration?  If someone can find inspiration in my words, my actions, or my photos, what right do I have to tell them they are wrong?  In that moment I simply thanked God for the opportunity to inspire others.

I don’t write to inspire.  I write because I really enjoy writing.  If, however, it inspires you to look at a sunset, to buy a coffee for someone, to run a half marathon, to clean out your closet, or to bake a gluten free cake, that is a gift to me.

Find inspiration everywhere.  The world is an awesome place.  If someone inspires you, let them know.  Don’t be afraid to share your accomplishments, no matter how insignificant  you may feel they are, because someone somewhere may fin the inspiration to improve themselves through your example.

Every single day, you inspire someone to feel happy, or sad, or angry through your words and actions.  Being mindful of that fact, choose to inspire others with love and kindness, with your positive energy and your lust for life.

You’re the inspiration.

Over the hill

I live on the south shore of Lake Erie.  I’ve been in this town for 15 years, and I’m ashamed to say that I’ve never really explored it.  I’ve lived here, but I’ve never really LIVED here before.

I started running in March.  I use the term “running” loosely, as there is not a category for the pace I run at on My Fitness Pal or SparkPeople.  When I told my doctor I had started running, I started to discredit it, saying, “I guess it’s more like slow jogging…”  He stopped me and said, “Betty, if you’re not walking, you’re RUNNING.”  I like his definition, and it’s the one I use when someone asks me if I’m “really” running.

I started on my treadmill.  I could only run 1/10th mile before I had to walk, but I fought for those first miles.  I soon progressed to the high school track, the parking lot at an Amusement Park, and a wooded trail at a MetroPark.  All were very level.

Several weeks ago, I noticed a trail winding through a city park on the lake.  I resolved to check it out.  Last night was perfect.  It was in the low 70s, with a beautiful breeze coming in off the lake.  I ran the loop closest to the parking lot, and then stopped – there was a hill – and I needed to go down it.

I have injured myself in two falls in the last 20 years.  The last fall resulted in 4 breaks, a plate and a whole bunch of screws in my left ankle.  That hardware has been my excuse for not doing anything about my weight for almost a decade.  At any rate, I am deathly afraid of falling down.  The last time I fell down (I slipped on a wet spot on the deck), I wasn’t even hurt, but I screamed and cried like a baby because I was sure I was injured.  Falling is bad.

I took little teeny tiny steps down the hill and got to the next level stretch, congratulating myself for not dying.  Soon, though, I was faced with the fact that where there is a “down” hill, there is sure to be an “up” hill that follows.  I trudged up the hill (okay, it was just a bank, but it was a BIG bank) and continued on my way.

The trail continued to wind through the park, over a bridge and sure enough – another hill.  This one led to a path along the road.  I froze.  Roads mean cars, and where there are cars, there are people who might shout mean things at me out the window.  (yes, it has happened to me).  I considered turning around and going back the way I came, but curiosity got the best of me.  I wanted to see where the trail ran.

I took a deep breath, and “ran” the hill the best I could.  I was over the hill!  I got to the top and ran the handful of yards along the road to the next “down” hill.  There were cars.  Their drivers did not honk the horns or shout at me.  It was okay.

I proceeded along the path around trees, along the lake, and looked up.  A dozen buzzards were trailing me.  They sensed weakness.  They circled.  I ran some more.  I looked up.  Still there.  The buzzards knew I was a goner.  Obviously, they sensed my history with falls, and they were waiting.

buzzards

I shook my fists at the feathered hecklers.  If the cars on the highway couldn’t stop me, neither could a bunch of feathered carrion-eaters.  I laughed.  I charged down the next hill.  I felt the blister form on my right big toe.  I laughed some more.

I managed to make it around the trail 3 times.  By the last lap, the hills were no longer something to be feared.  The buzzards didn’t get me.  I was sweaty, happy, and as I reached the end of the path, I was treated to the most glorious view of the sun descending toward the horizon…and the buzzards were still circling.

Like me, the sun was proudly going over the hill.  Life is good.

sunsetlakeside run

just write what you know: taking that first step.

I’ve lived in my town for 15 years now.  In that time, I’ve been mighty busy raising a family, going to school, and working at or running three businesses.  Down deep, I’m a pretty private person.  I’ve tried a lot of things.  I’ve succeeded at some of them, and I’ve failed miserably at others.  I’ve kept most of that to myself.

I don’t know why I don’t share more.  Part of me thinks nobody else would be interested.  Part of me thinks that other people will just think I’m trying to get attention.  I’m always surprised when I write something and 40, 50, or 100 people “like” it and/or comment.   Maybe it *is* interesting.  Maybe it *is* okay if other pay attention.  Maybe, just maybe, someone will find help, or hope, or strength, or joy in something I share.  

I’m going to just start writing what i know.  I know something about a lot of topics.  As a “jack of all trades,” these are a few of my areas of knowledge, for better or worse:

Family:  Marriage, divorce, raising a family, blending a family, losing family

Health:  celiac disease, morbid obesity, weight gain, weight loss, learning to exercise

Spirituality:  faith, loss of faith, searching for truth, 

Mental health:  psychology, psychobabbe, depression, anxiety, loss, learning to love myself

Cooking:  gluten free, casein free cooking

Misc:  laughter, spreading kindness

Currently, this blog has no one direction.  As it progresses, I may find a path for it to follow.  For now, though, I will just write what I know.